Gut reaction, it comes across a little strong. Does it strike anyone like that or am I jsut super-sensitive?

Here's my edit suggestions.

Subject: Building city-states in International Waters (Seasteading)

Hi Larry,

I've been given an opportunity to work on a grand vision: building new city-states in international waters so that people can experiment with a variety of social, political, and legal systems. While it is sad that I will be leaving Google for this endeavour, I see this as a "Googley" goal: a way to make government be more of a competitive, long tail industry, with a variety of providers of different sizes serving different niches. More like the web, less like the OS industry.

If you're interested, I would love to talk about this idea with you, and perhaps get some feedback based on your experience in bringing visions of a better world to fruition. I'll be here until July 29th, and after that can be reached at patri@seasteading.org. For background, check out our Intro, FAQ, or press coverage by Wired, Ars Technica, and Gizmodo.

Either way, thanks for the inspiration, and for a great 3.5 years!

This second paragraph is even better.

Do you want his feedback or his expertise? What are the pragmatic components of what you want from him?

I have specific ideas on this, of course, but I think it would be very inappropriate to put this level of detail in a cold-call. We can get into the details if he expresses interest.

I would remove "user focus" and "in bringing visions of a better world to fruition", and change "For background" to something more like "For more information".

The subject line also needs work: at a minimum, replace "grand visions" with "a vision".

Subject: Bye!

Gonna build seasteads! Wanna come?

Patri

Yeah, it needs to be shorter...here's my take.

Subject: Farewell to Google, hello to seasteading

I'm afraid I'm leaving Google, and wanted to thank you for creating such an incredible company; the amazing people, having a long-term vision, focus on the users, etc. have been inspiring.

In fact, it's inspired me to work on my own grand vision of seasteading. That's building new city-states at sea which can easily experiment with a variety of social, political, and legal systems. Our foundation's received a grant from Peter Thiel, enabling me to now work on this full time.

In case you're interested in learning more, our website's www.seasteading.org, and I can be reached at patri@seasteading.org after I leave on the 29th.

Thanks for creating an example for me to aspire to, and for a great 3.5 years!

---------------

If the press coverage mentioned in the original draft isn't prominently linked to on the website, make it so. Larry's also not stupid; if he goes to the site, he'll look at the intro and FAQ first, so I dropped that part of it.

Basically, I removed the bits where you're making explicit requests of him and brought it back to the "This is why I'm leaving, it's cool, here's where to find more info if you're interested, oh, hey, this person you know gave us money". If he's interested, he'll contact you, etc.

I don't agree with this. There's nothing wrong with contractions.

Well, first off your teacher was wrong. Second, this isn't formal communication, or at least it shouldn't come off that way. It should read as an informal note, not a formal resignation letter.

Guess I'll use it then. It does set up a nice "gap", ie "wtf is seasteading?"

The other comments are good. The thing I'll emphasize is: make it short, and put the most important stuff first. The guy's got a lot on his plate. You'll be lucky if he reads more than 2 sentences before moving on to the next email, so make them count. By the end of sentence 2 he should have a clear idea of who you are and why he should read the rest of the email (and, hopefully, learn more by following the links you provided).

Also, you should specifically mention Peter Thiel's support. I think that your biggest challenge (aside from getting him to read the email in the first place) is convincing him that you're "serious." The press coverage is a pretty good way of signaling that, but serious (6-figure) involvement from one of his fellow tech billionaires is even better.

Subject: So Long, and Thanks for All the Fish

I've been given an opportunity to work on my own grand vision: building new city-states in international waters so that people can experiment with a variety of social, political, and legal systems.

If you're interested, I would love to talk about seasteading with you. I'll be here until July 29th, and after that can be reached at patri@seasteading.org.

Either way, thanks for the inspiration, and for a great 3.5 years!

[Optional, insert name drop wherever.]

Agreed, this is the first question to answer. What do you want from Larry. The next question, I suppose, is can you just ask Larry what you want directly? Many executives like quick and to the point. Is he one?

Dear Larry,

I want to steal you from Google to help me really build a better world. If you reflect for a moment, I'm sure you will realize that your best days at Google are in the past, and your best days in the future will be spent with me building the government of the future.

Come!

Patri.

Adjust as needed to reflect your objectives from this effort.

I have a set of specific ideas, but I don't think they are appropriate for what is basically a cold-call. If they show interest, then we can get specific.